As with most things in my life, I learn best about women and dating through making mistakes. Its the hard way, but the lessons stick. I’ve been thinking about this date for a few months now, so i thought I’d better get it out of my head and into text to clarify what happened. This girl showed up some gaping holes in my frame towards women and respect for myself, and thus i’m grateful for the learning experience, however painful it was!
This is not saying much, but she was the hottest girl I’ve had out on a date so far. I spotted her in my car as i was leaving the shopping centre – short and curvy with a slow, sexy walk, just my type. The DNA tug was powerful, so i went back and found her. She was super relaxed and present with me. We connected through our love of music and the outdoors. I have to admit, i was nervous (both in set and on the date) and it showed.
I’ll outline some of my dating errors and little bumbling ‘tells’ of inexperience, but looking back, the truth is I had blown the date before it had begun.
The texting was fine up until the day of the date, i kept it cheeky but brief. I got a date request reply (my 2nd try at a date) the early morning of the date (3am – she is a hospitality worker, so fair play) “I should be free! I’ve made plans with mates but they are pretty casual”. In my overexcited state I read this more as a ‘yes’ than what it really was – ‘you are a backup option if my friends forget about our dinner plan‘, so replied “Ok cool. Is 730 at x good for you?”. No reply all day until 6pm, saying words to the effect of “I’ve been out all day and my friends want to have dinner with me, does tomorrow work for you?”.
This is the first point where my inexperience showed – I really wanted to get this girl out on a date, so I tolerated this terrible behavior and eagerly agreed to the date the next evening. Looking back, i can now see what this said about me – I’m needy, have no boundaries with women, i have no other options, etc.
To the date – of course, she was late! A good 20 minutes late too, i was almost about to leave the bar. She looked good (showing off her bountiful rack), and i quickly forgot about her bad behavior. This would have been a good point to establish some boundaries by making her buy the first round, teasing her a bit…however i had already decided to get the first round and told her she can get the second.
At this point i should mention that i am not much of a drinker, and never have been. The bar environment is not my comfort zone, but i default to doing dates there because there is one close to my house and it seems like the best place for seduction to occur…but i’m starting to think that is not always the case.
I know many PUA guys have talked about doing the ‘recon’ work for your date venues (finding the right venues, the best place to sit, etc), and it’s always sounded a bit OCD for me – but now i can see why this minutiae can be important. The spot i chose was terrible! Wobbly stools and a huge table between us. It made me feel like i was always leaning in, hunched over and a bit off balance. This ‘wobbliness’ came through in my mental state too, I reckon.
We talked about how our weekends were, and i mentioned my kids pretty early on and showed her some photos. I’ve asked a few ‘player’ guys with kids whether they mention them on a first date, and opinion is mixed. Regardless, i should have moved off the topic a bit quicker, as i felt like this pushed the date too far into the ‘comfort/nice guy’ direction.
My kino with her was a bit awkward, and seemed too ‘gamey’ for where we were at in the process. I checked out her nails and rings. She complied but was pretty cold about it. Later on, i moved my chair around the table closer to her, and it felt needy. I touched her tattoos, and it also felt a bit forced.
These weren’t huge mistakes, but it kind of added up. I think the real turning point was as we went to get a second drink – i was feeling the effects of the first drink and so changed my mind at the last minute to get a water. I know that indecisiveness is a turn off for women – but moreover this showed a level of incongruence to my behavior – I’ve invited her out for a drink, told her to buy our second round, and then violated that sense of ‘team’ by not joining her in a second round. I imagine that she felt this ‘weakness of character’ and felt a bit stupid.
After quickly finishing her second drink she mentioned she had to get up early to go to the gym, and made movements to leave. The final nail in the coffin was my very weak last minute pull attempt of asking her back to mine to listen to some music – It must have reeked of desperation!
I texted her a couple of days later, and again a week later inviting her to one of my gigs – no replies.
Lessons learned:Don’t bullshit her or yourself. Don’t try to be someone you aren’t – girls sniff this shit out without thinking. If you don’t want to drink don’t ask a girl out to a bar. She needs to come into your world. If she doesn’t like it let her go.
Show a girl you have boundaries. Always be willing to walk away. Have faith that this will only increase attraction.
There’s no date formula – you need to consider what kind of guy you are, what kind of girl she is, logistics, what ‘makes sense’. Quiet bar close to my place isn’t always the right choice.
Find out some things about a girl before you pitch a date – her location, her preferences (drink, coffee, activity, etc). We had the connection of music and outdoors so i could have asked this girl to a gig or a walk – I would have been more in my comfort zone and thus the date would have gone better.
Really read her texts thoroughly – girls give you a lot of information, but it requires some ‘decoding’ – think about what she is saying to you behind the words.
I think it’s time for me to stop pitching bar dates unless I’m especially in the mood. I rarely drink, I don’t stay up very late, and I’m not at my best in the evenings. I’d much prefer to do an activity, or cook her dinner.
This was somewhat painful to write, but worthwhile for me to iron out some inner game issues.